I watched Cruel Intentions last night and cried. It's funny, the things we uncover upon viewing things at a later time, at a later place. I saw the look of hesitance and guilt on Sebastian's face as the girl slowly unbuttoned her shirt. She looked like a rabbit, so innocently trusting. When he left abruptly, she probably thought he was angry at her. And I thought: no, you silly girl. He's in love with you. He's so in love with you that he'd forgo his precious game, ego, and past, all for you. But he was so scared. I wonder if he dumped her because of his reputation, or fear of ruining hers.
Love is a mysterious things. I can say without a doubt that when I was in love, I was never happier. Everything felt like it was in sharp focus, the colors more radiant, the world more beautiful. They say love brings out the best in us, and it is not so much that we neglect the world, as much as fall more in love with it, because that person exists. Because an angel was placed on this earth to rescue you from your suffering, to mend the broken and tattered pieces of your heart. Because you feel new, as though the wounds and sores never existed.
Or simply doesn't matter.
I thought of what the girl said. She can't be with him, not because she doesn't trust him. Not because she doesn't love him. But because she can't trust herself with him. That, in my opinion, shines light on one of the great dilemmas of love. We choose mediocrity, settling for someone who makes us content. Content, but not happy. Happy, but not passionate. Because if we can keep someone at an arm's length, we are in control. We can control when we want to have sex. When we want to marry. When we want to have children. Because you are not as emotionally involved. Because when we are in control, it diminishes the likelihood of pain.
Afterall, the secret to controlling those of the opposite sex is to not fall in love with them.
I don't know why I cried. Perhaps his story reminds me of mine. But my sins were less malicious, and more instinct. Something inside me made me a slave to my need to be in control. My fear of being hurt. Hurt them before they hurt me. Don't love them more than they love me, because then that means they win. See how far you can push them, break down those barriers. Go where no other man has gone before. Emotionally and physically.
I suppose I took pride in the fact that I could do what no other men could. It was a game, simply because I loved the chase and the challenge, but it also wasn't. Because I was genuinely interested in that person. I just judged too easily, held on to my grievances with too much vigor. Pick them apart, shake my head at their inadequacies. See them for their weaknesses, judge them, and use them as excuses to keep my distance. I realized eventually that no matter how special someone seemed, when you really get to know them, they're not all that different. Unique, but not entirely different. I grew bored, and I looked for new horizons.
I can't say it was deliberate. It was instinctive, a primal drive that became more and more permanent as I did it, again and again. I didn't realize I was hurting them that badly. All I can say is that I grasp emotions differently, and I am incapable of seeing people for their differences, and accepting it. I use the yardstick of my own habits and mindset to measure the world, not realizing that the rules aren't all the same.
But let me get back to the point.
Eventually, in life, we realize that nothing lasts. And sometimes things disappear forever. Sometimes it's too late. And this is one of those nights I wonder, because I always wonder, what held you back. Did you not trust me? Did you not trust love? Did you not trust yourself with me? I can say without a doubt that I am not in love with you. But I do love you. And I don't doubt that in an instant, I could fall in love with you again.
But this time around, I am scared.
Mohsena destroyed something precious inside me. I realized the reason she wouldn't try again was because she didn't trust herself with me. I feel myself become harder, tougher, meaner. After what happened with you and I, I felt myself softening up. They say when you get hurt badly enough, you start to become more empathetic to others' suffering. With you, my heart broke, because I realized I destroyed whatever possibility of us together. I decided that I must give all I can, when I can, so I won't ever lose someone precious to me ever again.
With Mohsena, I gave everything. My pride, my fears, my common sense. When everyone told me to stay away from her, because even though she may be a good person, her life is a mess and she is a mess. And she will only get me hurt, not out of malice, but because her own life is a mess. Because she will be emotional, and impulsive, and insecure, and it will destroy me. It will destroy me because I let her. Because I loved her and I trusted her and I threw caution to the wind and decided to take a leap of faith. Because I gave and gave and gave without looking for return, and she took and took and took, and walked away.
Perhaps I am just no good at love. You hurt, or you be hurt. Well, I've hurt, and I've gotten hurt. And both hurts pretty bad.
Sometimes it isn't about people fucking you up. It's not so black and white. Sometimes it's because their own lives are fucked up, their heads are fucked up, and without realizing, they hurt those around them. When will she realize that she hurt me, and when she deserted me, she released the hand of the person who loved her most, and accepted her for all she was? But something inside me has changed. I know by the time she realizes, it will be too late.
They say sometimes we only forgive someone because we still want them in our lives. She doesn't want me in her life, and neither do I. I've done enough forgiving. I'm done with giving. Before, I hurt people out of recklessness, not realizing the magnitude of the impact, and out of instinct. But this time around, it's different. Something inside me has been wounded, and I don't know what to do.
I think of all the girls I could love, and fall deeply in love with. Perhaps if I had met the right one, at the right time, after our experience had softened me up, I would be settled down, happy.. Mia says she has never known me to be so patient, so understanding, so kind. She says I am who I am, and I do what I do, because I am a genuinely good person. One of the most sincere people she knows. And perhaps I might continue to be that man. Perhaps I would have met a woman that could give and love as indefinitely. And I would forgive her for all her sins, past and present. And I would love her. I would make her feel like the luckiest woman on earth, because I wouldn't care what everyone else thinks. It's just us, the two of us, together. And if I am lucky, she will be as passionate and adventurous as I am, and we will travel. Brazil, Thailand, Africa. And we will write to one another, and share so many laughs, and do all the things couples should do, forever. And I would never tire of her, because I have learned to accept people as they are, and to love them regardless. And together we'd make the world jealous.
But I am asking for too many what if's, too many could have been's. It is what it is, and I can only accept and keep going.
